Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
