I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
