Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
