did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Please don't give away my fajitas
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
