don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
