don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
