Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
