I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
