yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
