what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
