Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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