It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
