I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
