If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
