I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
