I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
you are never too drunk for berry picking
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
