I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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