Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
