i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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