He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
