Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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