you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
