Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
