i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
