i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
