She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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