I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
