remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
