Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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