She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
