1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
