Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
