Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
