do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
