mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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