i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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