I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
