Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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