do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
