The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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