So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
