I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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