so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
