I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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