yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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