I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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