currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
she told me i tasted like america
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Success! We fucked roommates!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
