i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
