if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
