I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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